For the longest time (i.e., over five years) I’ve been lamenting my lack of a
meaningful relationship. I always wait for others to pay attention to me…
even though I usually send off ‘don’t approach me’ vibes. I know, I’m weird.
I guess I’m just not very social because it’s easy. And I’ve become used to
it… not going out on weekends, telling myself to focus on school work. This
works for me because there is no chance of rejection. But there are times when
I just want to feel cared for… to have somebody hug me. Then I realize that
that level of comfort takes time and openness and vulnerability and I shut it
out. I’ve never been good at forming and maintaining relationships.
Usually, I don’t think about or feel my loneliness. It really only gets to me
when somebody shows interest in me. When somebody tries to strike up a
conversation, I am plesant, but not very engaging, and never initiate further
contact. I feel like I’m not interesting enough to hold anyone’s attention. But
I’m good at suppressing this. I’m used to it.
The reason this is coming to the surface is that I’m curently in a small class
with somebody who makes sure to sit next to me and wants to have a conversation
with me before/after every class. I’m pretty sure he’s flirting, but I can never
tell. He’s probably just very outgoing. On the one hand, I dread going to this
class because I know he’ll be there, and I’ll have to be polite and make small
talk… which I’m not good at. But on the other hand, I look forward to this.
It helps that he’s cute. The downside is that this person makes me realize what
I’ve been missing. Then I realize that this small talk is really meaningless,
and if I want more I’ll have to take initiative… with all that that entails.
And so I retreat, and the cycle continues.
Ok that’s a lot longer than I anticipated. And I didn’t think I’d cry writing
it, but I did.
confession n. A written or oral statement acknowledging guilt, made by one who has been accused or charged with an offense.
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It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution.
— Oscar Wilde
It's kind of like being in someone's head while they're praying or thinking about things they'd never say outloud.
— Yaflapkik
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March 5th, 2010 at 7:43 am
Here’s how I work (which is somewhat similar to your situation, though I’ve in some ways just sort of lost a bit of the anti-social vibe thing as I have aged): I am horrible at small talk and will totally let the cute boys do all the talking. Eventually, he will say something that you realize you have something to say about. Talk about it! After that, it is suddenly easier to converse with the guy and you may find you have more and more in common. This actually happened to me very recently, so I hope it works for you, too. I know what it’s like :)
March 5th, 2010 at 7:24 pm
I agree with #1. It definitely sounds like this guy is flirting if he’s making an effort to sit next to you and strike up conversation - don’t forget it’s just as hard for guys to make small talk as it is for shy women. So just talk back to him!! Maybe you can ask for his email/facebook/msn/myspace/ or whatever.. pretend you want it so you can talk about the class ;)
It sounds like your self-esteem is quite low. I think this guy notices that and realizes that you are shy too and he could be trying to bring you out of your shell. I’ve had people do that to me when I was younger. Whether or not this turns into a relationship, this guy sounds like a nice friend at least. So don’t be afraid to talk to him. Worst case scenario you make a new friend.
March 8th, 2010 at 10:23 pm
thanks peeps
I appreciate the advice :)