What is it with me and my inability to have relationships? I don’t understand
what it is that is wrong with me. friends tell me that they think men find me
intimidating because im in school at whatever. I’m not intimidating!!! Seems
like I can only ever become friends with guys or else they are just looking for
a one night stand. What I don’t understand is how there are those girls who have
a different boyfriend every month. An actualy boyfriend with the title and all.
Why is it that I only ever end up going on ‘off-the-record’ dates?? To be 21 an
never have had a real boyfriend. How pathetic.
Right now I like someone who is in a long-distance relationship (under a year).
We ‘dated’ off-the-record last summer but it didn’t work out because he moved
away to go back to school. Then he finished and is back for good now but met
that girlfriend of his there. I just don’t see how he can get more out of her
hardly ever seeing her than he could out of me. He told me he is still very
attracted to me and we held hands the other week. I don’t want him to cheat on
her. I don’t think he would anyway. I just want him to myself. Sigh….this
will sound conceited but she really is not very attractive. I’m not just saying
that. Probably really sweet or something. Sigh….I always watch other people
enjoy what I want. For anyone who is in a relationship you should know that you
are so lucky. I want to love someone.
It seems to take a lot for someone to break up with someone for someone else.
Makes me feel like I’m not good enought. I hate wanting someone I can’t have :(
confession n. A written or oral statement acknowledging guilt, made by one who has been accused or charged with an offense.
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It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution.
— Oscar Wilde
It's kind of like being in someone's head while they're praying or thinking about things they'd never say outloud.
— Yaflapkik
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July 24th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Cut yourself off from this long-distance guy NOW. He is a cheating sleazebag, and he won’t leave his girlfriend for you - or he would have already. You’re clinging to this guy hoping it will end up happily ever after but you know deep down that it won’t. He’s unavailable because of his girlfriend, and he’s also far away, so double the reason why you should forget about him.
Also, you’re only 21!!! What’s the rush?? When I first read your post, I initially thought someone who was 30 years old was writing it. I’m 27 and I’m in my 3rd serious, long-term relationship now. And all 3 of those serious boyfriends I met randomly (online through dating sites, or when I was out at a show or something). I didn’t really have my first real boyfriend either until I was about your age. So trust me, you aren’t missing anything. My sister got married at 20, and divorced at 24, so would you rather have that?? Now she’s alone, and can’t trust any men, very few friends, and is very angry and bitter, and she’s 36.
This may sound silly, but if you are unhappy with yourself, and are insecure and not happy with being single, you will project that to others without realizing it. That old saying about needing to be happy with yourself first is very true. How can someone else love you when you’re not happy with yourself?? Just focus on keeping lots of friends around you, and focus on school, and just keep yourself really busy. Then when you least expect it, someone great will walk into your life. You can’t force these things.
There’s nothing wrong with you at all either. Just try to keep remembering the positive things in your life: you’re healthy, you are in school, have a good home life…Many people don’t even have what you have. Just try to be as positive as possible and you’ll see, things will fall into place.
July 25th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
It sounds like your infatuation with attached/taken men is keeping you from finding real love. #1 is right, be happy with being single!! I’ve been single for 2 years and I love it, I can do whatever I want and I don’t have to “check in” or answer to anyone. You keep going on ‘off the record’ dates because you are choosing them. Kick this guy to the curb and live life to the fullest. Your knight will show up when you are emotionally ready.
July 25th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Just to clarify, he’s having a long distance relationship with his girlfriend ( a 5 hour drive). I live in the same town as him & he is here for good now. I don’t know if it’s true that he would have already left his girlfriend for me by now. I’ve only seen him 3 times since he moved back and we had probably only seen each other 10 times accross 2 months a year earlier before he moved away a year ago. Is it that far-fetched to think that if I become friends with him now that once he gets to know me better he might choose me over his long-distance girlfriend? I initally said I didn’t want to be friends with him & he seemed sad about that but then I changed my mind when I realized we don’t really know each other that well to begin with.
I would give it up it he had told me that he’s committed to his gf but that does not seem to be the case. He said there’s no point for him to keep living where he was because the only reason for staying there is her and she is not reason enough. He said they are going to ‘try-out’ the long-distance thing but that it’s only been 2 weeks so far. He said he likes me and could see us dating but it’s just not the right timing. So it’s like ‘AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I am not unhappy with myself either & do feel emotionally ready. I think it’s more that I’m really independent so maybe guys think I don’t want a boyfriend? I do well in school and enjoy it, have a career goal I am quite set on, do some volunteering, and hang out with friends often enough. I think I’m relatively attractive too, I mean I’m not insecure about what I look like anyway. I am fine being single but would just like to experience an actual relationship for once. It’s more that when I see couples walking in the park together and such that I wish I had that as well. I love life and just want someone to share that with. I love sex and haven’t had it for over a year now because I have no one to have it with (I’m not a one-night-stand kind of person). I think a boyfriend would be the cherry on top of life, not just having a boyfriend for the sake of having someone, but being with someone that I am crazy about. At the moment he is the one I look forward to seeing.
July 25th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Honey his answer pretty much sums it up: I like you, and can see us dating, but it’s
not the right time. And he wants to give it a shot with his girlfriend long-distance??
Sounds like he’s using you as his back-up in case it doesnt work with his girlfriend, he has
you waiting for him.
Stop waiting,
July 25th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
(sorry I hit the enter button)..
I meant to say stop waiting for this guy, if he’s not willing to date you right now, just try to stay friends if you can, and try to forget about a possible relationship with him - it may happen, it may not. But don’t let yourself be his back-up in case his long-distance thing works out. It personally sounds like he’s stringing you along a bit. Why would he “try” to have a long-distance relationship (which is hard to make work), when he likes you and has you here in town?? Think about that…
Don’t worry so much about having a boyfriend, you sound very well-adjusted and sounds like you’re doing well in school and everything… it just sounds like you’re holding some hope with this one guy. Who knows?? Maybe someone you know already really digs you already. Just keep your eyes and options open
August 30th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Don’t ‘honey’ me!
We made out last week, for a good three hours. It didn’t go past 2nd base. It had been over a year since we kissed. God it felt good. I don’t care what you people think. Falling asleep in his arms that night was worth the 2 month wait. He is worth the wait. I am going to let it happen a few more times and then force him to make a choice. I might end up getting hurt, but it is worth the risk to me. He is an idiot if he doesn’t chooose me.
August 30th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I don’t think the other person meant any disrespect by their comment, you just sound confused. You say he’s an idiot if he doesn’t choose me, which is a good mentality to have, but at the same time you wait around for him?? Don’t waste your time if he doesn’t want to be with you in a real relationship - which means putting in more time. Once every 2 months of heavy petting doesn’t constitute a healthy relationship. I’ve been there countless times, waiting for a guy who will not end up being with me, and the wait is torture. Don’t do that to yourself and find someone who really likes you.
And why would you let it happen a few more times before you ask him what he’s thinking?? So you’re going to give him action before you even know if you’re dating him?? If you do that, you will just end up falling for him more and more each time you touch him and are with him. I just don’t see a good ending coming out of this… but I wish you luck…do what you think is best for YOU.
August 31st, 2009 at 11:35 am
I know he/she didn’t mean disrespect, people calling me ‘honey’ is just a very large pet peeve that I have/ cannot stand.
& yes, I am confused. I feel like I need a shrink right now. There are 2 sides of me pulling fiercly against each other. The one says how much I like him & that he’ll come around if I can just wait a bit longer, that I might as well enjoy what time I do get with him even if it’s only once every 1 or 2 weeks, and that he is only hanging on to his girlfriend beccause he’s scared to lose what he has & doesn’t know if I would work out with him but if I give him time, he’ll realize I’m the better choice. The other part says I’m going to get hurt because he is not going to choose me, at best keep stringing me along and cheating on his girlfriend. That he’s using me as a convenience for when she isn’t in town.
So I think I should cut myself off from him, & tell him I don’t want to see him unless he breaks up with his gf. But never seeing him again?!? That is even more torturous than being strung along. I can’t give him up yet. It kills me that he has a girlfriend but it would kill me more cutting myself off from him. Damn men and what they do to us.
August 31st, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Just ask yourself one question: Do I want to be with a man who cheats?
Let’s say he DOES choose you in the end, do you know that cheaters often repeat their cycle and 80-90% of the time, end up cheating on the new partner too? That heartache will be much worse later on.
Cutting this guy off seems like a harsh thing now since you have so many feelings for him, and once you do it, you will feel like shit, for just a few days. Then after a week you will feel much better. Then after a month or two you will realize what a big mistake it was wasting time with this loser. Be strong and follow your head, not your heart.
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:33 pm
No offense but I think you deserve to feel like crap. You’re allowing yourself to be a mistress with a guy who you know is clearly taken. I was cheated on by my ex-boyfriend when he was back home (in another state) before he came to my state to go to school. I didn’t find out until long after he started going to school here, when it was over a year into our relationship. You’re just as much as fault and you deserve each other. But if you still really want him, his girlfriend has a right to know, AND you should definitely ask him to choose. This three-way relationship is not fair to anyone right now.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Well everyone should be happy to know then, that I ended it with him a couple of days ago. I told him that it wasn’t fair to me or his girlfriend and that if I ever did date him I wouldn’t want to be worrying about him cheating on me so I was cutting myself off from him so that he wouldn’t be like that because I would never tolerate cheating. He had just wanted to be friends but I pointed out that we don’t really seem to be able to just be friends and he said he understood and I left it at that. I told him not to call me unless he able to give me what I really want - a real relationship. It felt good actually, quite good. I feel like a load has been lifted off of me. #10 I really don’t think it’s my job to tell his girlfriend what happened. She is better off never knowing unless of course it became really serious and he was going to propose but I highly doubt that will ever happen. I have never even met her so I don’t owe it to her. It’s him who owes it to her but that’s his problem and the fact that he isn’t planning on tell her just tells me that he really doesn’t like her enough and shouldn’t be with her.
I’m just going to go on living my life now, starting school and hope to meet someone new. I’m not going to make any contact with him at all, no email, texts or anything. I have a feeling he will miss me and call or ‘run into me’ about a month from now. And then he might realize that he made the wrong decision and decide to leave his girlfriend. I don’t know that, just a whim that I have. If not, I am moving on anyway
September 7th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
#11 - that’s great news that you’re feeling a lot better. Sounds like he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I have a feeling too that he might try something again later on with you, but even if he does leave his girlfriend, he just doesn’t sound like a great boyfriend to begin with…just be strong and let him realize the mistakes he’s made…
September 21st, 2009 at 10:57 pm
So it’s been just over 2 weeks now since I ended it, and I seriously thought that it had been 4 weeks last week and was shocked to find out that it had only just been 13 days. I really did fall for him (I’m going to call him Lenn for reference sake). This one was different. Not just a fling. But I know I did the right thing anyway. Because I wanted him to myself. I’m on here now because today I got an email from Lenn’s best friend (I’ll call him Tom) - he asked me how I was doing and said he wants to hang out with me sometime. The thing is that I’m not really friends with Tom, I mean I’ve hung out with a him a few times when I was with his best-friend but he has never actually contacted me to hang out, doesn’t even have my number or I his. So I’m not sure what to do here. I wonder if Tom is just curious why Lenn hasn’t been inviting me to hang out and wasn’t able to get it out of Lenn so he is going to try and get it out of me? Or I wonder if Lenn asked Tom to hang out with me to try and check up on me. I told Lenn I don’t want to see him unless he actually could give me what I want (a real relationship) & I literally cut myself off from him completely, not even any texting/emailing/calls. So maybe now he misses me? I don’t know if I should meet with Tom or not……..erg :P
I am atleast happy to know that my dissapearance in Lenn’s life is perhaps getting to him - but I put him in a position where he can’t access me unless he gives up his long distance relationship. I honestly think that if he cares about me enough, he should be able to do that. I don’t know what he want to get out of having Tom see me? Answers to some lingering questions? I think I made myself pretty damn clear. I told him I can’t be friends with him because I like him too much and I don’t want him to be a cheater. And he said he understood. But he likes me, he really does like me. I just know it - he was someone who really was crazy about me. Just the way he was never able to keep his hands off of me, the way he kissed me the day he met me, they way he was always so eager to see me. We just really were never given a fair chance to be together - him having to move away from me and then him meeting someone else there. She is not the one for him. And he knows that, he just doesn’t want to hurt her I think because she is a sweet girl. But he cheated on her with me and never told her, that is not a good relationship they are in. And he refused to stay living in the same town with her because she wasn’t enough for him to stay there. I think I was actually starting to fall in love with him. I’ve never really been in love before. This isn’t over. Not yet. I’m still leaving it in his hands but I know he’s not ready to give me up.
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Hey that’s great news…just keep being strong and it will get even easier as more time goes on…as for “Tom” - just be nice and friendly with him and see where it goes? Who knows? Maybe he genuinely liked you the whole time… and now you’re available..
Just hang out with Tom, but watch his actions.. see how he acts, if he really likes you, or if he’s just asking lots of questions about “Lenn”…if he does ask what happened with Lenn, just say “oh it didn’t work out”, and thats it… keep the answers short and sweet and don’t go into a lot of detail or make it sound like you have any feelings about it one way or the other…but who knows? Maybe a great relationship is now right in front of you :)
November 21st, 2009 at 2:05 am
Guys don’t get into long distance relationships unless they think that girl is the cream of the crop and a 10. No offense but you aren’t the 10 nor the cream of the crop to him. If you were he would drop it and leave her for you. If a guy knows your into him and he wants you he’ll get it. If not than sadly he’s just not that into you.
December 16th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
the thing is that he wanted to have a long distance relationship with me in the first place & I said no because I think long distance relationships are fucked. I guess at that point I was a 10 to him. Not any more though. I ran into him the other day at the mall where he now works. I wasn’t even attracted to him anymore. He was sort of the same….gave me a hug, told me to drop by later. I never did. He’s got my number & can call me if he’s interested. But he won’t. His fly was down too (hehhehe) but I never told him. And he looked like he put on a good 10 lbs since I last saw him. Seemed kind of bored with life. His loss :)
December 16th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
That’s awesome :) haha that reminds me of my ex - he stopped speaking to me suddenly for no reason and his excuse a few months later when he came crawling back was “I got scared”. Bullshit. And the next time I saw him it looked like he gained 50 lbs and he grew a mullet. He ended up moving out of state so we
would have broken up eventually… All things happen for a reason.
That’s great that you are finally getting over him. I know it seemed impossible at the time but if you go back and read your posts I bet it sounds silly that you were so infatuated with him :) By the way did anything ever happen with his buddy “Tom?”
December 17th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
ya I really was stuck on him before. No nothing ever happened with “Tom” - I was never interested in him, never really had any fun with him, we just never clicked. But I’m actually considering a close friend of mine right now. We’ve been friends for about 2 years & hang out all the time but nothing has ever happened. I don’t think either of us were ever really infatuated with each other but we’ve developed a really strong friendship & I realize that I care about him a lot. Most of my friends already claim that we are dating. Really strange though when you’ve only ever been friends with someone. I wouldn’t even know if he were interested in me in that way or not. Would be strange to ask.
December 17th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
lol - a mullet, that’s just great ( I also had to say)
January 20th, 2010 at 1:51 am
sigh……I still miss him. I turned my love into hate to try and help myself get over him. And I suppose I fooled myself into thinking that it worked for a while. But I don’t hate him, and I don’t not care about him. And I know he doesn’t love his girlfriend, he’s just staying with her out of respect. Our personalities may clash but at the end of the day I love him. I’ve never had feelings that strong for anyone before. I feel like I’m straight out of The Notebook.
January 23rd, 2010 at 5:26 pm
That’s good sign that you are getting over him. Over time the feelings will pass. I feel really sorry for his girlfriend… I know another guy like that who cheats on his gf of 10 years and he’s only with her out of convenience. I would hate to be with someone like that.
I thought I was in love with this asshole who cheated on me a few years ago, it honestly took me like 2-3 years to get over him and be ready to date again. Now I laugh at him since he’s pathetic and lonely (his gf finally dumped him). You will realize what real love is when you meet someone who has respect and cares about you and you alone :)