I fear I’m becoming depressed again. I don’t know what to do. When all the
healthy coping mechanisms don’t work anymore and just make me feel exhausted, i
dont know what to do. I don’t know why I am crying. I have no real reason to be.
Strangely crying when you have no reason to be is more painful than anyone could
imagine, because you just feel so fucked up for crying for no reason. I want to
fall asleep & I can’t. I want to be able to do something that will make me feel
better. I don’t know who to talk to so here I am. I hate all of the people on
this website who criticize what the desperate people say. This isn’t
collegecriticism.net. If you want to make other people feel badly about
themselves, try making yourself feel badly first, maybe that will get it out of
your system. I’m alone, yes I’m pathetic and alone.Shouldn’t be, but am. I
wonder if I hang on just a little bit longer if I’ll start to feel better. I
can’t do this depression thing again. I barely made it through last time, fuck
I have no idea how I made it through last time, well antidepressants is how. I
like how I am on the maximum does of antidepressants and now when I start to
become depressed there really is nothing that can help me because I can no
longer have my doctor up my dosage. That always feels great. I want someone I
can’t have, I have a stupid test coming up that will decide the rest of my life
and I don’t have the energy or motivation to study for it. I try to think of
what I could do. Just mix my life up by going away to travel somewhere for a
year, I wonder if that would work. And there are so many people who are much
much worse off than me and that makes me sad. God is a fucking joke.
confession n. A written or oral statement acknowledging guilt, made by one who has been accused or charged with an offense.
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It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution.
— Oscar Wilde
It's kind of like being in someone's head while they're praying or thinking about things they'd never say outloud.
— Yaflapkik
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May 30th, 2009 at 10:51 am
I totally agree with the “not collegecriticism.net” comment. People here often think a way of releasing their own misery is to make other people miserable. I dunno; I come here and try to leave nice, helpful comments. I feel you to a degree. I’m not as depressed as I could be, but, man, I cannot motivate myself to do a damned thing other than sleep or screw around. I’m burnt out on school and people.
Something my dr tells me when I’m super-stressed over a situation is this: what will really happen if x, y, or z doesn’t turn out like you want? Is that test really going to determine the rest of your life? I assume you mean the GRE or something similar. Do you really need to take it *right now?* Could you put it off, give yourself a break, and come back to it when your mind is in a better place? If you don’t get the score you want, it’s not the end of the world. You will just have to think of other ways to go about your goals or you might even realize new goals.
As for the “someone you can’t have,” I have found myself in a similar situation, but, for me, if wears off. “Someone I can’t have” often turns out to be “someone I didn’t really want.” Sometimes, the not being able to have them is what makes the desire so very passionate. If it is “can’t have” professor, student, doctor, best friend’s SO, etc. think, really think realistically, what your life would be once you have them. It’s easy to fantasize that it will be this beautiful thing where you swoop around the city, painting the town red, but really, it may be more mundane and normal than you think.
I, for one, recently had a crush on someone I cannot have. It was strong and I thought about it endlessly, but the more I got to know him, the more I thought that my desire was partially my situation in life and partially the untouchable status he has. After getting to know him better, I realized that for all my lovely thoughts, dating him would be much like dating someone else and less like all the ideas in my head or worse: dating him would have to be a secret.
For years I have had major depressive disorder. I have tried prescriptions, but I do not like them. I feel good for a while and then I suddenly feel like this is not my mood; this is not real. I tend to stay off of pills for that reason (though I’ve recently been prescribed something that I am considering taking). I find a good psych dr to talk to more worthwhile, but that is me. If you need to go back on meds, then by all means, but my opinion (OPINION!) is that one is better off resolving issues without them. Yes, I am still sad; yes, I am still lonely; yes, everything often seems dreary. However, I do not feel manipulated by the effects of medication and feel like instead of floating by on an evenness that I feel is not real, I am working towards a real and better self. It’s very hard for me to explain; please, don’t take offense.
I hope you start to feel better. Maybe a trip away would do you some good; that’s what I’m doing! A summer abroad. I hope distance will give me some prospective. If you would like to talk, you can email me at ccfriendaccount@gmail.com If you wouldn’t, then, okay :)
May 30th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Your situation sounds a lot like mine.
I think it’s important to understand that sometimes these medications make problems like ours worse. They are a bandaid and mask the issue rather than solve the root of the problem. Like #1 said, it might be helpful to look into what might possibly be causing your depression and work on that… and a good psychiatrist is a great way to do this.
Also… I have noticed my depression seems to pop up in times of stress. Like I have something very important I need to do (such as your big test). It sends me into a spiral of depression, and I’m not sure why. After seeing this pattern in myself though, I would have to say that possibly it is a bizarre way of coping with stress. Does that make sense? Like the mind does not want to deal with this life-deciding test you’re about to take and all the effects and consequences. Possibly to cope, it puts you in a depressed and lethargic funk where you can’t do anything. And the test seems out of the question. You’re upset with yourself cuz you want and need to study for this, but your mind is sabatoging you. And you get more and more depressed because you’re falling deeper and deeper into this hole. Then you feel even worse about yourself, it’s a vicious circle. Then it has no problem creeping in and spreading the negative feelings to other areas of your life.
I like what #1 said… you have to think realistically about your situation, cuz your mind is working against you right now. What would happen if you failed this test? The world wouldn’t end. You’d still have your life and your health. Maybe all the stress you’ve been associating with this has created such negative feelings towards it that it has taken away all motivation. Who wants to work for something so incredibly negative? Maybe some distance away from this test would do you good… or just not letting yourself dwell on results. Just learn the material.
This prolly hasn’t made too much sense, as I am wildly rambling here. It’s just I go through what you wrote about every three months or so. I have recognized certain patterns in myself that I thought maybe you might recognize too… but it’s different for everyone, so if I’m way off base, sorry! :)
Something that has really helped me recognize patterns of behavior and helped me to correct them and overall help reduce my depression issues is the book Feeling Good by David Burns. It’s worth reading if you have the time, and it might take your mind off of some things you’ve been focusing on. I wish you all the luck in the world! Come back and update us please. Not all of us on CC are jerks :)
May 30th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I agree with the other postings. I was actually on birth control pills before, and I went through the same thing you did - no motivation to study for tests, I would stay in bed and cry all day for no reason. I agree that with stressful times depression has a much greater chance of spiking. I’m not a doctor, but obviously if those pills aren’t working, maybe it’s time to stop the pills or try other ones. I’m not a big fan of pills to begin with, but I’m wondering, could the anti-depressants be exaserbating your condition?? I know they’re supposed to help, but you never know…
Just don’t give up. Do the best on the test that you can now - and let the chips fall where they may. That way, you can say “I did my best on it”, and you won’t beat yourself for not trying. Like #1 said, in several months, the stress of that test will be gone, and things will look better. Taking a break is a great idea too, it sounds like you could very well be burned out. I’ve seen a lot of my classmates who aren’t clinically depressed exhibit the same symptoms. Maybe seeing a school counsellor/therapist/psychiatrist could help as well?? Just keep talking it out… and hang in there :)
May 30th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Sorry, I forgot to add - when I saw my doctor and he said birth control pills can affect your mood…they were making me more depressed so I stopped taking them, and my sex drive came back and I felt a lot better.
Like I said, I’m not a doctor, but who knows - sometimes the medication can do more harm than good.
May 31st, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Thanks for the support everyone. Yes, I know it’s just the stress triggering the depression, that seems to be what triggers all mental disorders. I used to see a psychiatrist for about a year & he tried me on 2 different kinds of meds, neither of which worked, but then the one I’m on now really did work. I had been depressed at least mildly for most of my life, so I do believe this antidepressant was actually what made the differrence for me. So for the past year & a half I have been doing really well actually. Just this past month has been a bit of a scare for me, it might actually be because the med dosage was lowered - I was at 400mg even though 300mg was the max. dose but my doctor said it was okay for a short period of time anyway & to go down to the 300 when I was feeling better again, so at the end of April I went down to the 300 & i think that may have had something to do with it. I would love to be off of them, but I am terrified that I would become depressed again if I did go off. I might talk to a counsellor at school actually - I think that was also part of the problem, I was getting therapy for close to 2 & a half years for another related disorder & also the depression which seemed to emerge from that, & then last summer I was better so my therapy was cut off & now I don’t feel like a support system anymore.
I am definitely feeling better today than I was was last post……..slept for 13 hours that night which I really needed because I had been getting like 3-4 hours of sleep a night for a while before that (not by choice). Ya it’s the MCAT I’m writing…..& I wrote it last year & did horribly on it. I have to write it now to be able to apply for med school the coming year which is my plan. It’s really what I want to do so it is stressful because it kind of does come down to the MCAT for me - my grades & volunteer experience are average in terms of med school applicants so if I do poorly on it, it is highly unlikely I’ll get in……….& then I don’t know what I would do. I CAN’T write it a 3rd time!!! Do not have the stamina for that. I have one month left before the test & then I’m quite sure I’ll be feeling better. Just this dreadful month.
Again thanks for the support. It’s nice just to write out my thoughts as it helps put it into perspective for me a bit & helps to have that outer perspective as well.
May 31st, 2009 at 1:43 pm
*don’t feel like I have a support system anymore
May 31st, 2009 at 9:37 pm
I’ve written the MCAT twice now…the second time I got like 3 points lower, but I wasn’t studying as much as I really could have… Don’t stress. Just do LOTS of practice tests for it - remember that most of the answers are given in the passages… just do your best on it…that’s all you can do…
I’m going my Masters in September.. I’m going to apply to med school a third time after that, which means I’ll have to unfortunately write the MCAT AGAIN…. it sucks… but honestly if that’s what you are meant to do …it will happen… you can always take a break after and try, try again… don’t give up!!
August 30th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Ended up with a 22Q second time around - for anyone who knows anything about the MCAT, that is a shit score. I submitted a med application today anyway. Maybe my 84% average will help to outweight that? But everyone applying to med school seems to have an 84% average and a 30 MCAT score. I am going to try anyway. I hate this time of uncertainty. I should be excited to be graduating from my degree next year but instead I am scared shitless that I will not get in anywhere. I decided to apply to grad school too. GRA study time - God it never ends
August 30th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
*GRE