Anyone know of any REAL success stories between profs & students romance-wise?
As in, both prof & student waited until student had graduated & then they
started dating and later got married?
Or, married prof has an affair with student, falls in love, gets divorced with
spouse & ends up with student?
Just curious if that 0.007% possibility actually exists or not???
confession n. A written or oral statement acknowledging guilt, made by one who has been accused or charged with an offense.
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It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution.
— Oscar Wilde
It's kind of like being in someone's head while they're praying or thinking about things they'd never say outloud.
— Yaflapkik
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May 2nd, 2009 at 9:33 pm
well I wouldn’t really call it a “success” story… I started dating one of my professors during our class together two years ago, and we’re still together. unfortunately he’s married. chances are he will never get divorced. so, the fantasy is not all it’s cracked up to be :) it would be nice to hear some real success stories from others though.
May 3rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
you know, I was googling this stuff the other day and I did find there are some success stories (as well as a whole lot of people who nay-say, which sucks). Look for “romance in the ivory tower,” I think,(not the book, although it’s good, too) and you should get some hits talking about students who married profs and stuff. I personally know a few people who married their grad advisors. I’m also hoping for a possibility, but I’m feeling more like it’s a 0.008% If it works out for you, come back and tell us about it!!!
May 3rd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I don’t really care if you fell in love with a prof who was single, and after the class was over, you dated him…but please do not be a homewrecker if the prof is married. If he cheats on his wife with you, what makes you think he won’t be unfaithful to you also? The only experience I’ve had with this is that in my class EVERYBODY knew that our prof was dating a former student and people didn’t shy away from talking trash about him.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:46 pm
I agree with #3. If you have left the school, and you are both single, then go for it. I personally don’t know any success stories… but just be prepared for any problems. The professor may be reluctant since people tend to trash talk, his/her reputation could be at stake. Plus there’s the rumours that the teacher was seeing the student while they were together as well. There are a lot of things to think about. Like #1 said too, sometimes the fantasy doesn’t live up to reality. I’m sure there are a few success stories out there, but I’m willing to bet there are twice as many sad/breakup stories as well.
However, I CAN tell you from social studies classes that I’ve taken, that people who are having affairs rarely leave their spouses for the other person. It’s a big step to leave your spouse that you married, took an oath to love, have children and a home with, for someone on the side that is usually just there for sex. The few that do, have a MUCH MUCH higher divorce rate and often end up cheating on the new person as well, or the trust between them is not as strong as it should be.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:52 pm
#1 - I hope you can get out of that relationship. You may care about each other, of course, but you’re wasting your own time with someone that will eventually never be with you. Where will you be when you have been with them for 5 years and realize that they will never get married and have a home with you?? I wasted over a year of my life with a married man with false promises that we would eventually be together.
I ended up feeling very lonely in the end…too many holidays that we couldn’t be together. Too many days where I couldn’t call him at his home. Sneaking around and secret meetings in offices and hotels. Feeling like a loser and a slut for being with someone with 2 kids. I hope you can find happiness with someone who is single and available who can give you all of his love and attention.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:20 pm
woops! i only read the first part and the last part; i agree that you should not pursue someone who is married, professor or otherwise! you always have to think if he would do that with his wife, wouldn’t he turn around and do it with you? good luck in whatever you decide, of course, but i hope it turns out with a happy ending :)
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:22 pm
wow, #5 thanks for your comment. you just have no idea how much your kind words mean to me. it’s helpful because lately I have been feeling like you described. very lonely and sad. i know for a fact he’ll never leave her, but I feel like I’d be lost without him, and this has kept me from ending things. i try to rationalize things and tell myself that I don’t have the time and energy for a full-time relationship right now anyway, so it’s ok… but it’s not. can I ask how you finally got the strength to cut him loose for good?
sorry to hijack the thread btw, it’s just that #5’s post was something I really needed to hear.
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:12 pm
No problem #1..
Actually he started to feel guilty too (or at least he said he did). But the main thing that pushed me to just leave was the fact that I was simply wasting my time. And I got very tired of being lonely and sad over someone I could never have. I felt much happier once I was single. Also, if I did stay with him, I would probably end up like his wife and wonder if he was cheating on me. I think the best thing to do is to make a list… write down what you don’t like about being with him vs. the positives, and you’ll see the ‘bad’ list is much greater. You gave him a shot to be with you, and he doesn’t want to commit, so why bother staying?? If he was single, and said “no I will never marry you”, you would leave.
I find it funny you said you don’t have time for a full-time relationship!! An affair probably takes more effort and energy out of you… the sneaking around and planning, and lying, and negative feelings surrounding it just made me feel so much worse every night, when I knew he was lying in bed with his wife and I was alone. What if your soulmate comes by in 6 months and you’re wasting your time with this married loser?? Tell yourself that when you DO have time for a steady relationship, you want to be available and single.
May 6th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
#3 - No, I know. I would never want to be involved with a married man, prof or not. I doesn’t help that my prof flirts with me though. It’s not that I want to have an affair with him, it’s more that I just really like talking to him & spending time with him, which I do with him alone in his office a couple times a weeks because I work with him on research as a part-time job. We just make each other laugh and smile & I always walk away feeling so happy. Perhaps it’s more of a friendship more than anything else?
It’s hard though because:
A) I am an incredibly imaginative and ambitious person who can dream up ways to make anything happen. Sometimes my imagination seems more vivid & real than reality.
B) With the divorce rate at around 40%, and him often mentioning how him & his wife argue all of the time, it doesn’t seem like so much of a crazy idea to think that he may one day get divorced
C) I am graduating in less than a year so him being my prof would no longer be an issue (although that may not be true - I think the official policy, is that you must wait 2 years after a student graduates from your university before you can date them as prof)
D) I know that the feeling is mutual. I see him check me out when he thinks I am not looking, and often when he asks me to come see him in his office about something research related, we end up only talking about it for a few minutes and then spend half an hour talking about something completely unrelated to research. And he lends me books to read that he thinks I’d like.
But we are completely professional, I think we are both aware of the impossibility of the situation. It’s not like the prof last year who I would notice staring at my chest (even though I’m not one for low-cut shirt, at school anyway)and would tell me that I look really ‘pretty’. That was innapropiate.
My current situation is different……..he’s respectable…….& eerr…. is driving me crazy actually. Makes that .007% chance seem more like a 7% chance :)
May 7th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
I know you listed all these reasons you think it might work, but the fact is he’s married. Stay away from this one and just be his friend (unless he gets divorced for reasons completely unrelated to you - even if he does argue with her, married couples bicker all the time!).
It does sound like he’s a good friend at least, which is nice to have with a professor. Just try to keep it at the same level it is now, and don’t wait around for him. Who knows, you might end up going out in the future, if he’s single and you’re out of school, but for now try not to “wait” for him or keep up the fantasy about being in a possible relationship.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
No offense, but he’s just not that into you. He’s married, and your professor - so he’s doubly off limits. Even if he is attracted to you, he can’t do anything since you’re his student, and if you’re not his student, he’s married. I should probably add, that sometimes men will act extra friendly or nice when they suspect a woman likes or is into them. This happened to me once before, I swear a guy liked me, there was a LOT of flirting and touching going on, then he casually mentioned one day how he’s been in a relationship for 2 years. I felt very stupid after that for thinking he was interested…
But don’t worry… Hang in there and you will find someone who you connect mentally and physically with just as much as this prof, who is more available.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Re: #9
I’m sorry to disappoint, but I think you’re onto something with your vivid imagination. All the pieces of evidence you just listed, him beckoning you into his office only to go off on an irrelevant tangent, lending you books–that’s pretty typical for a good student-professor relationship. If he really is checking you out, maybe it’s more than that, but I’d assume (and I shouldn’t assume) your crush has you reading into clues that aren’t really clues. I point this out only because I think it’s a shame to misconstrue the intentions of a good professor, one who gets intellectually and maybe even socially involved with their students.
As for the “flirting,” it’s worth mentioning that I’ve heard my classmates comment that my one of my professors shamelessly flirts with me (one went so far as to accuse me of sleeping with him)–but people tend to confuse flirting with friendliness. He’s a gay man, I’m a lesbian. I’m pretty sure no one’s flirting with anyone. Is it possible that you’re confusing friendliness with flirting?
May 9th, 2009 at 1:43 am
I think there is a very fine line between flirting and friendliness
Web definitions:
Flirting: to talk and behave amorously or playfully without serious intentions - it can consist of conversation, body language, or brief physical contact.
vs.
Friendliness: a feeling of liking for another person; enjoyment in their company.
While the 2 are related in many ways, I do know the difference between them. I have a number of male friends who are really just friends and while we talk/joke and smile at each other, there’s not that feeling of attraction one way or the other. I wasn’t using all of those things as ‘evidence’ that it was more than friendliness, but just trying to give you the whole picture - that I’m not some deranged girl who thinks her prof loves her just because she once saw him stare at her in class. It’s the suble cues which really tell the story, general body language, extended eye contact ect. And that’s where I get that feeling from (that its a bit more than just friendliness).
Just because someone is taken, it doesn’t mean that he/she won’t/can’t flirt innocently with other people. #11, he probably did like you to some extent, but it just wasn’t the right timing or situation.
I get that he is ‘off-limits’and that’s why I mentioned B & C in my last post. I don’t think there is harm in minor flirting. I by no means believe that he has any intention to seduce me, that’s just a fantasy of mine, but God I have lots of fantasies. Rather and more realistically, he is a bit attracted to me physically & somewhat mentally therefore likes my company as I like his.
One day I will find someone like him who is single that I can be with, but in the meantime I don’t like any one else, so am just enjoying the little I do have.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Well whether or not he does actually like you, is irrelevant. And looking up dictionary definitions to try to prove us wrong, won’t really make a difference either. He’s married, and your professor. Let go of him and just enjoy his company as his friend. I know you don’t like anyone else at the moment, but once you open your heart and mind you will probably find there is a whole world of new and interesting people that this crush could mentally keeping you from meeting or seeing. Sometimes when you are quite taken with someone and have many fantasies, or are very physically attracted, it will prevent you from maybe noticing someone else who might have a crush on you, or whose company you will enjoy which could lead to a dating situation.
Just try to forget about the fact that he “may” be physically be attracted to you, it won’t really help you or get you anywhere. In fact, it will probably just prevent you from being truly happy with a new love.