now I have been dating this man for almost 6 months. (From previous entry) He
is still the kindest sweetest man. I love him alot. I decided I can deal with
the video games/movies as long as it doesn’t interfere with my studies, and we
aren’t planning on living together anytime soon. We decided if this becomes
long term, we will buy/build a duplex and each live seperately,but be together,
stay at each others places. That resolves any foreseen problems. He is a
wonderful man that I can really see myself spending eternity with, even though
we aren’t intellectually equal. I am so blessed to have met this man that i
wouldn’t have even talked to if he hadn’t just showed up on my porch. (I would
not have considered him my “Type”)
confession n. A written or oral statement acknowledging guilt, made by one who has been accused or charged with an offense.
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It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution.
— Oscar Wilde
It's kind of like being in someone's head while they're praying or thinking about things they'd never say outloud.
— Yaflapkik
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November 15th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
From reading your previous post and this one, it sounds to me like you unfortunately do not have that much in common with this man; both intellectually and otherwise (very different hobbies, etc). This isn’t a bad thing, mind you, but to me, it sounds like you are settling because you love him.
If this becomes long-term, you will each have your own place and visit each other? That’s fine for dating, but what about marriage?? You said you see yourself spending eternity with him, but, as long as its not under the same roof??
It does sound like you two really love and care about each other. And it is still very early in the relationship. But the vibe I am getting from your two posts, is that your incompabilities are bothering you a bit, and they will eventually become a problem and you will get bored of him (this happened with my ex after 2 years, a great man, but we had NOTHING in common and it got incredibly boring, even though he wanted to marry). Just keep going the way you are now, its still early, and have fun with it, whether or not he is your ’soulmate’.
November 15th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
You keep mentioning he’s not “equal” to you intellectually?? Just because someone cannot discuss certain intellectual topics, or be as knowledgable on certain things, doesn’t mean they are not your intellectual equal. My fiancee and I don’t have the same intellectual interests, but I don’t consider him dumber than me. Who knows, he just may surprise you.
If you have studies and he has video games, he’s not your intellectual equal, you need to live in separate houses when/if it gets serious, he’s not your type…well then just what exactly are you doing with him?? I know you “love” him, but that’s the worst reason to stay with someone.
Marriage is about compromise and finding your compatible mate, someone who you can raise children with, share the morals/religious beliefs/ideas, share a house, hobbies, and finances with. You need to think of all of that if you really want to stay long-term with him.
to stay with this person.
November 15th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
I dunno. I can’t get over this intellectual shit. You still sound like a condescending bitch, my friend.
November 15th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Sorry, are you the OP? are you calling me the condescending bitch?
(if not then ignore me :P)
If you are, I didn’t mean to be rude, since do think it CAN work between you two, if you work at it. Your story just reminded me so much of my ex. He was a great guy, financially stable, he was a dad already (a great one), and he wanted to marry me. But after 2 years the love faded and we had nothing in common to hold the relationship together anymore. But like I said, 6 months is still really early, so just have fun with for now.
November 16th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
I agree with #3, you do sound like a condescending bitch. So what if the man doesn’t read as much or knows about certain books as much as you?? You say you’re so in love with him, but you can’t get over the fact that he’s not your bookworm, Frasier Crane-intellectual type?? It sounds like you maybe are attracted to him because he’s not the usual “type” that you date with, its sort of “forbidden fruit” for you. You either love him and accept his faults/quirks/interests, or maybe you don’t love him as much as you may think.
November 17th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Hmm..I’ve been married for a few years and wanted to throw in my advice.
First of all, I’m sure you know you will NEVER be completely compatible in all aspects with someone else. The thing that will make a relationship work though, is whether or not the incompatible parts are big enough to bother you. For example, he doesn’t read that much, you do; he plays video games a lot, and you don’t - is this a problem for you??
Also, I’m a bit bothered by the way you are describing him. To be with someone, you need to see them as your EQUAL, in all respects. You don’t, by the fact that you’re saying he’s not your intellectual equal. Being incompatible intellectually just means you have different interests, not that he’s less intelligent. Also, you decided you can handle his video games as long as it doesn’t interfere with your studies?? What kind of statement is that?? Do you honestly think someone who loves you would want to interfere with your schoolwork?? And also if it becomes long-term, you will live separately?? Now, there is nothing wrong with living separately before marriage, but you sound like you won’t be able to stand being under the same roof as him.
You really need to think about what you want out of this relationship before continuing. I know he’s “different”, not your type, and new and exciting. But don’t stay with him just for that reason.
November 21st, 2008 at 9:36 am
These are all very good points. NO I was not poster #3. We do have many things in common, like cooking, excercise, similar parenting views, similar temprement. (passive, and easy going)similar taste in movies/music. I don’t think living seperately forever is a bad thing. Why? There is this magical thing that happens when I see him. I throw my arms around him and I honestly want to be there, part of the reason I like to be away from him is because of how I know I will feel when I see him. But, I have asperger’s disorder, and he is ok with that(and he has learning disabilities, but he is very smart, and I am ok with that) I like to be alone alot, I like things a certain way. I know that my comfort with sameness is unrealistic for other people to live with. It is also unreasonable for me to tell him he can’t have all of the stuff he likes to have around his house because it will drive me nuts, so going into it knowing these things, it makes sense to have a duplex and live seperately. We aren’t rushing into marriage, we both think we are going to end up together forever, but it doesn’t have to happen today. I think my real issue is the study thing. Its pretty much the only issue. we study together, but he needs quite a bit of help with mathmatics, as that is part of his disability. I want to help him, but it does cut into my study time. In a month, he will never have to do algebra again, so this will resolve.
November 21st, 2008 at 7:28 pm
That’s good… if helping does interfere with your studying, though, you can kindly suggest that you don’t really have the time and that maybe he can get help through tutoring at school?? I know you want to help out, but you can’t sacrifice your own schooling…you only get one shot to get a good grade in a course…