CollegeConfessional.net

It’s been nearly two years now, and I fell for her on the first day of class. I
had heard about her frequently and expected her to be a 40-something woman–not
ugly but not particularly attractive either. She turned out to be a gorgeous,
tall woman in her mid-thirties, wavy beautiful hair she always pushes back with
her slender fingers. She has a sophisticated fashion-sense that makes her seem
leagues above me, and a quiet, deep voice.

From day one I knew I was on dangerous ground–having a crush on a professor,
and a female one at that. I was in a committed relationship with a boy, my high
school sweetheart, a relationship I am still happily in, and yet this woman has
intoxicated me to the point that I am addicted. Her light blue eyes are hard to
meet–her sweet smell that wafts behind her as she walks leaves my heart beating
faster than it already was from nerves, and the dreams I have about her leave me
thinking about her all day after I wake.
I know nothing will happen–she is happily married to a wonderful man (and one
I know) with a beautiful young child. And yet, for some reason I still hope.
And I still act like a blumbering fool everytime I see her. Maybe I just want
to know if she remotely feels the same…

You make me very uncomfortable. I’ve only known you for a year through school
and you consider me a close friend, which I appreciate, but your actions lately
are really inappropriate.

I don’t want to come over with another girl and have a “girly sleepover” while
your boyfriend watches and tapes it. I don’t want you to buy condoms for my
boyfriend when I said that day in the pharmacy how they didn’t have the brand I
was looking for. I don’t want you to talk about porn in front of my supervisor
when you come to visit me in my office. I don’t want you to tell your
boyfriend EVERYTHING about my personal life that I tell you in private.

Just wanted to get that off my chest. You’re a nice person, and fun to hang
around, but I certainly won’t tell you anything personal anymore.

I knew he liked me for two semesters. He would stare at me, or whisper to me
during class. He always followed me out the door when the lecture ended, and
he would stand closer than the other attendees on field trips. He also wrote
longer notes on my papers than his other students and took way more interest in
my life. After graduation, Dr. A took me out for coffee and we spent the entire
day together–just talking. Then Dr. A took me out to lunch for a second
meeting–then he took me for walk–then he took me home. We even spent hours in
bed talking. We e-mailed profusely, defined our moral ground, and talked on the
phone. Now I think I love him and he’s so far away.

I’m scared. I like the way you look at me, and the way you kiss my forehead. Its
been three weeks since we met yet I somehow feel so comfortable around you. Is
comfortable a good thing? Does it lead to bed death? When I think of the period
of time we’ve known each other, it seems ridiculous that I can feel so strongly
about you. Yet I do.

If I seem uncaring or rude, it is not because I don’t care about you, but
because I care too much, too soon. I’m trying to maintain emotional distance,
because with each comment on the color of my eyes, the softness of my hands you
pierce my protective armor, and it makes me want to gather you in my arms and
never let go. I think I’m falling in love with you.

I’m a grad student. My husband and I pretend to act like crazy undergrads. We
tell our friends stories about drinking until 4 AM or going to some crazy after
hours party. We make up things about bar fights, road trips, drug deals and
nights in the drunk tank. In reality, none of it is true. 99% of the time we
make dinner at home and eat it while watching Antiques Road Show.
You natural inclination is to think that maybe we make all these stories up
because we can’t let go of our youths. No. Its even more sinister than that. We
make all these stories up so none of our friends or family EVER asks us to
babysit. And ya know what, it works.

No one I’ve ever cared about has ever cared about me.

AAHHHHHHHHHH STRESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
I hate people!
Feels like my life is falling apart. I just want my stress to be gone!

Strangers tell me I am beautiful even gorgeous on a regular basis. I think they
are lying. If I were as great as they say I am I wouldn’t be lonely. I would
have dates. I can’t possibly be beautiful or funny or any of the nice things
they say or I wouldn’t sleep a lone in a cold bed every night as I have for the
past almost 10 years. No man. No dates. No phone calls. No invitations of any
kind. Completely single. In my 30’s losing all hope for any man to ever love me
again. There just isn’t anyone out there for me. No man will ever love me. I
will be a lone forever. No husband no kids no home no one to give my love too.
no one to receive love from. What am I supposed to do with all of this love
that no man apparently wants. No man wants me. Unwanted. What did I do that was
so wrong?

Dredging through the absolute bullshit process of submitting grad school
applications followed by waiting until god knows fucking when to find out if I
got funding has made me want to quit academia. Up until this point, it was the
only thing I ever wanted to do.

I just found out that a guy who’s been flirting with me has a g/f. I have no
hope. In 20 years, I will be a 40 year old virgin. That is all.